deploy army troops and care packages to England as looting and
violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson
Charity Khumalo said "We can no longer stand by while these savages
tear themselves apart."
The AU, meeting today in an emergency session to discuss the ongoing
rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do "everything in their
power to help bring civilisation to England".
"It's just so sad, you know?" said Khumalo, speaking from the
organisation's HQ in Addis Ababa. "Sitting here and watching them on
TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain
idle and let it happen."
The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get
involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.
"For instance, we have launched an 'Adopt an English child'
programme," Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring
the faces of English kids. "If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can
see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic
education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin' Nikes."
Khumalo also said that the AU would be parachuting in dentists along
with army troops as part of a 'Feel better about yourselves, Brits!'
"You can understand why they're turning on each other," the
spokesperson told journalists. "You look in the mirror and you see
teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It's heartbreaking enough to make
anyone put a brick through a Starbucks."
The organisation also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities.
"Vegetables, mainly," Khumalo confirmed. "We're sending them
vegetables and toothpaste."
The AU's flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert
to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the
establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from
Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyr have pledged to perform at the show.
"As a humanitarian, it's the least I can do," Hofmeyr said yesterday.
"I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each
other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give
them a nice hot cup of Milo."
Hahaha Collin that would never happen in our lifetime. We have famine
in Sudan and you would think the AU will be playing central role to
manage the humanitarian crisis; AU is just an irrelevant old boys club
waiting for Gadaffi to pay their bills. We have just managed to keep
Mswati going with our loan; we missed an opportunity to create our own
Tunisia next door; it will be a matter of time before he comes back to
request more funding from his rich neighbor.